So, America lost a true legend last week. No, not Michael Jackson, not Ed McMahon, not Farrah Fawcet, but Billy Mays. That man shouted, and he had a beard, he sold us crappy products and god damnit I am going to miss him. As an attempt to pay tribute to him, I decided to let my patchy, baby-hamster-like facial hair grow as long as I’ve ever let it grow. Given the long weekend I figured I could at least get an 8th grade goatee or throat-beard before shaving for Monday, but man did I fail miserably. I should have taken pictures because I sure looked awful, but I think I can describe it fairly well. Decent sideburns, but only in the mutton chop area – completely disconnected from the hair on my temple. Thin molestache, patchy spots all down my throat, and a decent lower chin but certainly not enough for a real goatee. Sadly, the most consistent area of hair I had were the throat patches which connect to my hairy neck. I guess I’ll just keep shaving regularily, though there’s nothing more insulting than shaving every day but still not being able to grow any facial hair at all.